he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
