I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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