WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
