You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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