Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
