I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
