you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
