I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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