i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
