I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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