rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
