Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
