her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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