my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
