There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
