Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
