i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
