Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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