she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize