Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
