The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
