She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
