dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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