So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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