Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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