I skipped work to stalk him.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
