I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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