I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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