Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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