I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize