First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
