Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
