Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
