He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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