You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
