Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
