She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
