I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
