I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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