Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize