I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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