I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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