I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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