one two three fourrrrnication!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Found your dick twin last night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
