I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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