Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
