I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
