I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
