You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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