Swine flu. Run for my life!
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
