it's too hot outside to masturbate.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
