I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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