dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
