my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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