Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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