party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
