He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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