if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
