I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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