Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
