your parents love me but you hate me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Randomize
