I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
