my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
