Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
