I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
