Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
