Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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