I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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