This is not my ceiling
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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