I hate your face
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
