so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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