Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
