Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
