This girl is more easily done than said...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
