god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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