I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
